Category: Family

An only child!

Published on by Shireen Gheba NajibLeave a comment

 

What you don’t have, you don’t miss.

Hello Everyone! I’m wanting to explore the ‘only child’ situation today. The idea came to me through a remark by someone. So allow me to enlighten you. As a second generation only child. I guess I’m qualified.  I mean, my mother was an only child, and so am I.

Why not an only child?

I’ve learnt that there are about 47% only children in USA. I’m sure that isn’t the case in Pakistan. Here, an only child is never planned, so usually, it is a medical situation.

Anyhow, we aren’t concerned with how it happened. We are sharing tips on how to manage this scenario.  Also, we can include those rare couples who really want an only child.

The sour grapes approach first:

Too many siblings can also be a drain and a strain for a child. It can shatter your own nerves, your pocket  and your sanity sometimes! (I’ve known siblings actually trying to bump off their own brother, or even sister – for property of course – so it is nothing to be so joyful about.) History is full of it, starting from our mutual dad, Adam and his two sons!

In my case:

  • I met very few only children in my life. There was one in my class once, (I’ve changed many schools,) she wasn’t very happy, and was lonely. So, I found out that the saying that ‘An only child is a lonely child’ maybe true for some cases.
  • In my parents’ case, there was the Rhesus factor due to which every other child born would have died. My parents decided not to have another child due to the fact that my mother had complicated deliveries. So, my father didn’t want my mother to go through so much complications again. It was the same for my grandmother. So, my grandfather didn’t want her to go through it again.  Thank God, they both had loving husbands.
  • So, it maybe any reason, but one ends up as an only child. 

Tips for parents of only children:

  • Do not spoil your child. (As my parents would say, ‘with one child there is no margin of error!’ So, they brought me up with strict rules, and lots of love. They didn’t spoil me at all.
  • Give a lot of time, attention and company.
  • Do not be too protective with them. Know that they will have to fend for themselves during their life. Remember, they won’t have any siblings to help them out.
  • Just give normal treatment: Why treat a child as if she or he is an exception? Just treat them normally, and they will grow up normal too.
  • Encourage solitary play: this child needs to be able to be happy with one’s own company.  It isn’t always possible that you have to have someone to give you company or entertain you. I’ve known only children to be more self-sufficient.
  • Develop hobbies: Reading habits, hobbies, and keep busy in healthy activities.
  • Special warning: Do not give too much attention, the world doesn’t do that. So, why make the child the center of everything all the time? Otherwise, the child won’t be able to cope in normal situations.
  • Encourage independence: Let this child be self-sufficient, independent and encourage him or her to go on her own, or do things being in-charge of it all. So, do not help out, he will learn from his own mistakes within your own sight.
  • Encourage friends: specially inviting them over, and meeting their families and siblings whenever you can.
  • Problem solving: Let them deal with issues themselves. Don’t offer to help, try to let them get out of it themselves. This will give them confidence. Keep a watchful eye, but let them figure things out themselves. Do, help out if it is very serious. Do, give advice when asked.
  • Never be protective: Know that he will have to fend for himself for the rest of his life. You won’t be around always. He better learn it now. Prepare them for a time without yourself, while you are with them.
  • Don’t facilitate: Never do any ‘sifarish’ for them.
  • Strict pocket money : Build money spending and saving habits.

Tips for you, if you are an only child:

  • Just remember one thing, it is Allah who actually takes care of you. If He didn’t give you a sibling, He will surely give you several substitutes as per requirement. So, don’t worry. Remember, He didn’t give you, because He knew you won’t need them.
  • Be confident, do whatever you like to do.
  • Your time on your own is a God send. Most prominent personalities were only children. You get more time to clarify your own thoughts.  You also get lesser interfering bodies in your life. Believe me!
  • You are closer to the love of your parents, who have the purest love for you.

Yes, you will stay blessed, anyway. So, keep that smile!  🙂

PS: Just say a big ‘Alhamdolillah!’ in every situation. 🙂

 

This Mother’s Day 2019

Published on by Shireen Gheba Najib4 Comments

Hi, Everyone! Yesterday was mother’s day, and yesterday, I completed a milestone in my Instagram account – yes, the coveted 10 k followers! It happened so rapidly and suddenly. But what was more momentous was something that I shared in my stories, it was a message on mothers’ day for all mothers. Surprisingly, it had very good responses.

My message on mother’s day:

“Take care of your child yourself – do not leave this mothering to your mother, or mother-in-law and definitely not to your maid.”

This picture, taken with Nataliya was in Austria, when my husband and I traveled through Europe, seeing ten countries in twenty days, with my one year old daughter. We went by train, ferry, and buses all over the places. It was so much fun. So, I do walk my talk. my dear!

I’d like to add here…

Do not have children, if you do not have time for them. Don’t. Do not fall into that trap of people telling you to have children. As a principal and teacher, I’ve known a few mothers, who really didn’t like their kids; and constantly found them bothersome.

So, do yourself and them a favor!

Only have a child if you really want one.

 

Full time home makers:

It is not about leaving a job. I’ve seen full time home makers, who leave their children to the maids while they cook and clean and watch Indian films. They go shopping, leaving the children behind with maids.  I’ve even known some who left their small daughters with batmen to carry while they were busy.

I’m telling you mothering is no joke. So, if you are giving up a job to take care of your children, then please do take care of your children.

So, when you are home, you can’t afford much help. So you do almost all the housework yourself. This gives less time for mothering. Specially, you cook the food yourself, as my mother did. My father loved his food, and my mother made sure he got everything exactly as he wanted it.

In my husband’s case, I found out, he only wanted food within two minutes of his entering the home. He wasn’t interested in food. That was something that was hard for me to understand. He wanted it quick so he could change and go off to his squash courts or tennis courts. So, I learnt that very early in my married life. In the beginning  I cooked all the food myself – at least for first ten years or so – but then I started freelancing and working. My  mother-in-law instilled in me that you have to train your staff to take care of the kitchen too. Then I got a proper cook, whenever I could. That is how Abdul Rahim started working at my place, part time. He was the Head cook at the PAF officer’s mess. He literally moonlighted to work at my home in his spare time. He was a brilliant cook, so we had the best kind of food at our home. He became like a family member. Even then, I also cooked special dishes for my husband and children.

Whatever the case, while I swept the floors when my maid didn’t come, or did other household chores, my main focus was my children. As soon as they grew up, they had to help me take care of household chores too.

So, actually, I started teaching because of them, and because I got those teaching offers way too often! I realized, that my love for my own children took me to love my students as well. It was a job that I truly loved. I’d be working with other’s children while my children went to school. – Most of the time I’d end up in the same school!

So you are a career woman:

Then try to go for jobs where they have the day care in the premises. That is better as they have qualified people there, you can watch your children on your phone, and you can peep in and be with them in between. That is also good. Perhaps I would have gone for it, if it was there in those days. But I have my doubts also. I cannot bear anyone else touching my child with their unclean (nose-picking, and foot massaging) hands.

So, I didn’t take a job after my marriage for eight years. Even later on,  I gave up my jobs several times for the sake of my children, even teenagers.

I truly enjoyed being my with children. Believe me, after marriage with my MSc degree in Home Economics, I had job offers in college nearby. But even then, I preferred to be at home to get my bearings as a fresh homemaker.

If you already have a career and want to pursue it:

Then stop reading this blog post. Or, as I’d say, ‘take a break!’ It is too frustrating taking care of both a career and a baby. It can only succeed if one of them is not too pressurizing.

Keep things in perspective – this is your life:

Somehow, in your twenties and thirties, you seem to believe that ‘this is all there is!’ I don’t blame you – media is responsible for it. Even I felt so.  Actually, that is all nonsense! You have your whole life to do all that you want to do.

There is a time to do certain things at certain times of your life. So it is important to know, ‘what is the most important thing for me to do at this time of my life.’

Only you can answer this one.

Look at your life span:

I mean, just look at it. My father passed away at 92 years old recently, my mother is 85 years. Even now she is mothering, and giving me support and is company to me. So a mother’s job is never done. Look here at the full length of your life:

 

_____10_________20________30________40_________50________60_________70________80________90_________100 years.

This is your life expectancy,  (- or it will be, by the time you reach there!) So, the years you take care of your baby are so few, compared to the rest of your life. Can you see? I mean you take a break of about six to seven years to complete your family and then go back to your career. Take this time as a break. Just enjoy your children, and bring them up the way you want. All I’m saying is that you keep your child with you for the first four to five years.

Remember, a job is a job:

You are ready to put your child in peril for a job where you can be ‘downsized’ in a second. Where the moment you mention leaving, your replacement will be there in a minute! You are leaving the main part of your day with your child,  jeopardizing your role as a mother – a role which will be there – even after your death. All this for a role in a job which can be taken away at any time!

We both are aware of the job situation these days.

Upgrade yourself during this break:

I’ve always been member of a library when my children were small, also I’d indulge in books more than clothes. So, I’d keep myself abreast of the latest information in my field. You are so lucky, you can do it so easily now. Just use the YouTube and Google to stay well informed about your field of interest. Insha Allah when you return to your job, you will be far ahead of your friends there! (During the drudgery of work-life, you seldom get the time to upgrade yourself.)

Do, take mini-courses whenever you can along with attending workshops. You can easily do online courses too.

How to deal with your finances:

Yes, I was thinking of writing this in another blog post. – But why not here?

Okay, here are some ways:

  1. Know that your Child doesn’t need expensive things: Know that it isn’t for your child that you need to spend the money. It is just to please the ‘others’. Your child is very happy being with you. All those branded items are to impress the ‘others’.
  2. Staff: So, you do not need so much staff. You do the work better and quicker by yourself.
  3. Gifts: You can do crafts at home, like take up painting to give gifts to friends etc. (You can imagine how many paintings I did for my kids to take for their friends’ birthdays!) Even as wedding gifts.) Having more time on your hands you can make use of bargains.
  4. Clothes: You don’t need as many clothes, as most of these are for work place.
  5. Saving on Petrol: You save on commuting cost, all those daily trips to and from the office cost a lot.
  6. Grow your own vegetables: If you have green fingers, this is a good way to grow salads and vegetables in flower pots inside and outside your home.
  7. Do savings and better planning: Invariably, at a job you spend far more, for your colleagues, their birthdays, and the parties in the offices, for which you pool up. You do all that even when you don’t want to.
  8. Let your husband support you: As he was designed to do.  There is a strong belief that a man must not get too used to being supported by your income. It invariably has a negative effect on his natural psyche. So, it is good that way too.  Just avoid being too demanding, please.

Best book to help you through:

Another good way is to start your own business at home. The book Barefoot Executive by Carrie Wilkerson, tells you how. So, you can keep an eye on your children, and run your own business too. This is one of the best options. You can find her interview on YouTube here:

Many examples in our own set up:

Happily, I found several young mothers who reached out, telling me about their experiences. It is important to be proud of yourself. You are doing the greatest thing on earth. Getting paid is never an issue.

Tamania of Urdu Mom is one. Here has her YouTube Channel.  She is a great example of what I’ve done all my life. To enjoy what you are doing while being there for your children in their most vulnerable years of life. She has many different videos one of them is here also.

Going back to your career, as your children start their schooling:

This is an interesting one, as you need to find a job where the timings suit your children. Yes, that is how I got into the teaching business. See if you can find a job other than teaching which has timings to suit your children’s school timings! Well, a good one could be that you go to offices, and collect work and then work at home later on when your children are asleep. That was my freelance work with Dawn and other magazines and dailies. Then I painted, and held exhibitions when possible. That too could be done taking my children with me.

Being there for your child:

Honestly, what could be a better time than now for all that you dreamt of? You can text, have skype chats with your children, keep cameras in your home and what not. But it is dangerous to leave your child at home alone with a maid. It is not safe. Your maid is also born in these times, she knows exactly where to do her dirty work, away from the camera. So, don’t be too confident.

I’ve known of maids who wouldn’t let the child touch her toys, so she won’t have to put them back! So she would make the child sit with her and watch all those awful movies and programs on television which you wouldn’t let your child watch!

So, from that point of view a day care is better, but one in which you can step in and take a look always.

Best is a work which is welcoming to children. As an administrator I’d always encourage people to bring their children in, if needed.

I’m so happy to see at the CSS school, that the maid and chawkidar have their small children with them in school. They take care of them while they work. You see, they will work better if they are not worried about their children. You should do the same. We, as administrators in such institutions need to be more caring too.

Phew!!! What with everyone asking me how I brought up my children, so I wrote that one here. Now, they want to know more, so that is why I’ve written this one.

Let me put it in this way, keep your children with you, as much as possible.

You will be blessed my Reader, knowing you did your best. Then leave it all to Allah.

Note: Some photographs from my personal albums, and the rest taken from my Nataliya’s photography page on Facebook.

 

 

 

Happy memories, at Nataliya’s home.

Published on by Shireen Gheba Najib2 Comments

Hi Everyone! I’m so thrilled to find that Shehzeen – the Desi Wonder Woman has chosen to do a home tour of Nataliya and Bilal’s home. It is beautifully depicted. It is especially wonderful, coming from Shehzeen, whose taste and style I really love.

So, naturally, I’ve shared her post,  those  who are interested, please check it out here . Meanwhile, that post really brought back so many beautiful memories of my stay at Nataliya’s home last time. So, I thought, why not share it with you all! After all her birthday is also round the corner.

Masha Allah, both she and Bilal are wonderful hosts, (as are Bilal’s brother Haroon and his wife Uzma, here in Islamabad!) So, let me take you through a few lovely flashbacks of my last stay there in Seattle:

Loved the spontaneous trips to lakes and parks which are in and around Seattle.

Here is the Singaporean rice she made for me. Of course, Bilal is always there to make yummy dishes to satiate my taste for red meat with his lamb roast:

The wonderful trip to Mount Rainier which I’ve written on here. They know I love travel so they make sure I’m fully satisfied. Frankly, Seattle itself is enough. No, their company is enough for me. Knowing so much peace being with one’s children is great. All my life, I enjoyed that love and peace at my parents’ home. (I know, but you see quality of love and peace is the same, just matchless!)  Now, I do that in my children’s homes. May Allah bless them.

So, let me show you my shopping:

Gosh, each one of these is an amazing book or magazine! Still reading them, by the way.

Even her friends are such darlings. They invite me over when I go, then again when I’m returning.  So here is a morning Nataliya arranged for me, so I could meet most of them before getting back last time. This was November 2016.

Here is when I was invited over by Nabila to her Microsoft offices’ restaurant, which served delicious lunch.  Such darlings.

Yes, Sana, next time, your place will be first!

Simply cannot get over this view with the rear view mirror from their garage, as one reverses out of it.

Nataliya, your birthday is round the corner. Thank you for blessing me with the greatest joys and happiness on earth simply by being who you are in my life. Love and hugs and prayers for a great life, full of spiritual, family and worldly blessings. Ameen.

Can’t resist sharing this pic you took of me, looking out at the river, on which this beautiful library is built. Luckily, it is pretty close to your home.  Yes, next time, we will look at the books too! 😉

Just felt like sharing these beautiful moments from my life with you, my Reader. It is important for us to remember all the treasures that He has already blessed us with. We need to cherish and revisit these memories, to give us a boost some times.

Would you like to re-visit some of your own beautiful memories too?

Stay blessed! 🙂

Allah kay hawalay ….

Published on by Shireen Gheba Najib2 Comments
My father, a man of his word.

God be with you.

Losing one’s father is tough. I have now realized what my children went through seven years ago.

 Last Thursday morning, 21st February, I rushed my father to PAF Hospital. His helper Sabir had carried him to the car in panic. On arrival in emergency of PAF hospital, my father was admitted in ICU.  The doctors told Waliya and myself that he was critical.

This time, the doctors were right.

The next day, Friday, 22nd, around 3.00 pm, my father peacefully met His Maker. Inna lillahe wa inna ilaihe rajiun. To Him we belong, and to Him we return. 

Thank God I remembered to say Alhamdolillah. Just so grateful for having my amazing Dad in my life till now. He spent the last six years in our home.  There are no regrets.  Waliya and I did our best. Nadiya, Nataliya and Anya came every year, spending a lot of time with them.  He overlooked whatever got missed out. He was always sporting and gallant, only giving us advice when asked, and it was always great advice.

I’ve shared a lot with my followers in Instagram and Facebook. Also, two years ago, when I was in Seattle, my father got unwell, in 2016. This is what I wrote in my post then.  

Sharing a few details from last week:

  1. Only a day earlier, my father came to my room, and spoke so lovingly to me. It was on Wednesday 20th February. I couldn’t get out of bed, as I was unwell, suffering from dizzy spells and a back sprain. So, my Dad walked all the way from the lounge to my room to sit there and pray for my well-being. He said, ‘I’m praying that you get well soon, my Bittu. Meri dua hai, keh aap theek ho jao! Ap ki tabiyat theek rahay.’  (I pray that you may get well soon, and you may remain well.) These have turned out to be the last words he spoke to me.
  2. As an only child, I had to take care of everything. Thank God, Hasan Jafar came within minutes to the hospital. He helped me make decisions of burial etc. 
  3. The officers of the army and friends, and relatives all rose to the occasion and did so much for us, that no words can ever be enough. My mother, my daughters and I are so overwhelmed. They took over all requirements of burial, Qul and guests. Specially, General Qamar (of 8FF) and 111 Brigade took over the burial formalities out of my hands. Col. Zahid my cousin’s husband, took care of details. Alhamdolillah, it was great having their help and consoling words.
  4. It is important to note that MPCHS, (Muliti Proffessional Cooperative Housing Scheme) had also made all arrangements for me, they had prepared for burial in B17 graveyard, also all formalities, including namaz-e-janaza at local mosque near our home. They also arranged for the gents during Qul to read siparas there and sharing of memories.
  5. Receiving messages of condolences and phone calls from all over the world and locally, made me realize I wasn’t alone. Instagram, Facebook was full of so many assurances and support. Our home was full of loving and hugging friends and relatives.
  6. One thing amazes me most. I realize why Allah didn’t give me any siblings, as He surrounded me with better persons than siblings even. The fraternity of friends, relatives, families, and literally strangers, all made sure I received more care. My uncles, aunts, cousins,friends were all there to take over. May Allah bless them all. A special thanks to my cousin Hasan and Chachi Shahnaz, Amina, and their girls. Ayesha my friend, and Zoha along with so many others. Many traveled from far, to be with us.
  7. The men who came from far and wide, even from DIK to attend my father’s funeral rites. Gen. Qamar, Gen. Saeed-uz-Zafar, sons of my father’s friends, Brig. Ajab and many others.  I thank all those who came to attend my father’s funeral.
  8. My special thanks to Col. Zahid who is husband of my cousin, who went into tears when I offered to pay for the grave. He said,‘your father called me his son, let me be that son now!’
  9. Everyone had a tale to share. Everyone felt the pain. Even persons from our locality who watched him go for his daily ‘walk’ on his wheelchair, (he would return with flowers in his lap, handed to him by children playing there.)
  10. I had to tell myself that I did as much as I could. Things were getting difficult in spite of the amazing care by Dr. Fayaz Bangash managing his UTI, and Dr. Mehmood. I was on the verge of having to making some difficult decisions putting a PEG directly into his stomach or putting a food pipe, as his food intake was suffering.
  11. Loving the fact that my college friends, Fairy, Riffat and Ayesha came all the way from Lahore, just for the Dua, (special prayers)  and returned afterwards. (So, they traveled ten hours by road to be two hours with me!) in fact Fairy was the one who said the special prayers. She mentioned such pertinent points in her sermon, everyone was quite struck by it all.
  12. We humbly accepted the food arrangements by my chachi Shahnaz, phupi Aziz and Chacha Mumtaz. Even my neighbors sent me food. 
  13. Suddenly, it has dawned on me, my father has been taken away by my Allah to a better place.  Allah kay hawalay.

In Retrospect:

  1. Alhamdolillah, my precious father has been taken by my Allah to a place free of all these physical hardships.
  2.  Going on a Friday, would make him free of hardships of the grave, Insha Allah.
  3.  As a Ghazi from two wars, he would InshaAllah be making a smooth journey to Heaven.
  4. Thanks to each one of you, my father is now standing so much of a better chance of reaching his heavenly abode, due to all your prayers and good wishes.
  5. He truly lived by the four elements that bring success in this life and the next. I’ve written a piece on it in this blog post. It is based on a sermon by Tariq Jameel. 
My father was interested in details being explained at the museum during a visit a year ago. 

Remember this:

I realized, that since I was emotionally very charged and upset, I needed to step back and remember these things first. To be very careful I don’t say anything that may hurt anyone. Many who came or messaged me, shared the fact that they too had recently lost a loved one, a grandmother, father, or brother. So, I suppose we all need to remember this:

  1. Forgive ourselves for any inadequacies. Death is final and inevitable, no matter what. It is natural to feel that I didn’t do enough. 
  2. Remembering strengthening words: my friend Tahira shared with me these words the day my husband passed away:

‘ You must not say, ‘I wish!’ you will accept everything that happened, as the will of Allah; The time, the place, the way… everything happened by the will of God.’ So, you need to accept it as such.’ Remembering these words made me feel strong again.

  • Treasure good memories, and focus on the positives.
  • Appreciate all help given by near and dear ones, and by total strangers.
  • Do not overdo anything, stay within your means. As Fairy said, ‘my mentor told me, ‘apni istataat mein rehna chahiye.’ Do only what Allah expects from you.  – Not overdoing anything. (On the day of judgment you won’t be asked about many things for which we keep running around in this world.  So, why get into them?) Keep things simple, as everyone understands.
  • Saying Alhamdolillah, at every step. Starting from the moment Allah chose to take away my loved one. To not saying anything that I may regret later on. So, it is best to say the least.
  • Take it easy, this is a tough stage in life, so be kind to yourself. Sleep and rest whenever you can. Even if sleep evades, you just relax. Take a warm or hot shower and take mini-breaks and relax.
  • Be patient:  Step back and avoid getting angry. Remember you are under severe stress. So, cool down, and be very patient.  You need not speak much, most of those who come, want to share their own similar experiences. It is good. You know you aren’t alone. Listen to their problems with full attention and patiently. Many lost their dear ones recently. They, too want you to share their story, and give them sympathy.
  • Do not miss any prayer: Be vigilant in saying prayers and any reading of duas.
  • Give sadqa at every opportunity.  
When I had taken my parent for a visit to the Museum in Islamabad. 

Thank you, my beloved Readers and followers in Instagram and Facebook as well . Thank you for being by my side. Stay blessed. ( I certainly am blessed by your strengthening words.)

Extraordinary relationships.

Published on by Shireen Gheba Najib4 Comments

Sharing some amazing stories here… 

All our relationships are in our own hands; The world can say or do what it likes, but how a person chooses to behave with ones’ relations, or one’s situation is purely one’s own choice.

Moral of the story: Your response to any situation depends not on your relationship, it depends on you.

In a nutshell – it is love. Here are some amazing stories I’d love to share with you:

  1. Treatment with non-believers: The biggest example of love is when Holy Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) would be going to pray to the mosque, and there was this non-believer, who kept the garbage of her house, in her balcony, only to throw it on his head, whenever he passed by.  She knew, his clothes had to be clean for prayers, and then he would have to go home to change also. One day, she didn’t throw any garbage on him. He became concerned. He knocked on the door, wondering if she is okay? He was told that she isn’t well. So he went in to ask about her and get medications for her. This is how you build a relationship.This is what our prophet Muhammad (PBUH) taught us. (I know, you are thinking, ‘only a Prophet could be like that!’)
  2. Age difference between husband and wife: Hazrat Khadija (aged forty) was a business woman, impressed by his dealings, (as he was her employee,) she sent a proposal to Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) (aged 25,) and he accepted it. They had an amazing marriage. Yes, he defied the stereotype of age difference, in his marriage to her. Theirs was a monogamous relationship, which he always cherished.

All right, so you say, my examples are from a prophets life. Let me give some human ones now.

  • Bringing up one’s child in another faith: My mother was a Christian, but chose to bring me up as a Muslim. She would search for the best ‘molvi sahab’ or priest, and made sure I read the Holy Quran with meanings. I often wonder, would I have done the same in a similar situation? Yes, she has been a great mother. She said, ‘I don’t want my child to feel like a different person. Specially, as there is hardly any differences between Muslims and Christians. The Ten Commandments are the same.  
  • Caring for step-mother and step-sister: My friend Raheela – is the daughter of her father’s second wife. Her mother didn’t keep good health. At the age of six, her father passed away. Her mother, decided to leave the house, believing that her step sons, (who were nearer her own age,) would want her to leave. When she told them that she is leaving the house, they refused to let her go. So, she remained. My friends’ step brothers and sisters cared for her and her mother all her life. They educated her, and married her off, giving her her share from their father’s inheritance. When she moved to her new home, she took along her mother. Now, her husband took care of her mother till she died at the age of ninety five years.  I’m a witness to it. She hates me to call them ‘step’ as she says, ‘they have given me even more love than any real siblings could have done.’ Till today she loves and cherishes them. But I insist on calling them what they are, because they are so great. These days, my friend is heartbroken due to passing away of one brother, whom she remembers holding her hand and taking her to school when she was a kid. 
  • Love between two wives of a husband: Another friend Fatima* is daughter of her father’s second wife. Her father was a big industrialist, and when the couple realized they couldn’t have children, his first wife, chose a second wife for him. She chose her own cousin and friend, and they were married. When the second wife, (my friend’s mother,) had her first son, she gave him to the first wife. They lived in the same house, yet, it was a big thing. There were five children. The two wives were on excellent terms all their lives, because the father never differentiated between them. Each one received equal status and love and respect from him and rest of the family. So, much so, that after his death, the two wives chose to live together in the same house. Recently, the elder one has passed away. Now, the second wife has gone into depression, as she finds it hard to continue her life without the presence of her ‘saukan’ (the other wife) in her life. Yes, I’m a witness to this case.
  • Step mother, changing her step-son’s life: You must have heard of Napolean Hill. In his book, Grow Rich with Peace of Mind, he mentions how it was his step mother who gave him the confidence to be who he became. She changed his life, by giving him confidence at a young age.
  • Successful marriage between a Muslim and Christian: My father, a Muslim, married my mother a Christian at a time when there was a lot of prejudice. There was total harmony in my home. Their loving relationship has been an example for all in our family.
  • Brother taking responsibility of caring for his siblings: As a kid, I heard of the mother of six children, who committed suicide on the Qul of her husband, in Pindi Gheb. She went into a room and poured kerosene oil and put a match to it, killing herself. It is believed, the couple had been a very loving one. So, it was the loss of her husband, and knowing how people treated widows, and worry about her orphans. So she decided to bail out. The children were divided among the close relatives. (Naturally, a single family could afford to keep all six together.) Some years later, when the eldest son got a job in Pakistan Navy, in Karachi, he applied for accommodation on humanitarian grounds. He got all his siblings together in that house, including a blind sister. I heard about this in 1991, and connected the two stories.  Really wanted to do this piece for Dawn, but my husband got posted out, and we moved to Peshawar. 
  • Brother taking his siblings to Canada for a better life: I know a true story (from my own ancestors,) of a couple who lived in England long ago, then dying of Tuberculosis. Their one son had already run away from home, joined the British army, and gone to India. (He is my great grandfather Fred. ) The eldest brother, after the death of his parents, left England, took his siblings, and moved to Canada for a better life. (Now, out of the six siblings, I’ve got in contact with Dave Schirru who is great grandson of Ruth who was one of the siblings, probably in the early 1900s.) So, this brother, instead of running off to Canada alone, took his siblings along to take care of them also.  
  • Stepmother loves the previous children of her husband as her own: My friend Tehmina*,  found out that her elder three siblings were’nt from her own mother. She was in school and someone told her. She was shocked, she had no idea. Naturally, because her mother and father treated all the same way. Hats off to the mother who loved them as her own.

So, every Cinderella story isn’t true. In fact, you can make sure it isn’t true. It takes a very special person to make such decisions in life, and act that way too.

That special person can be you too. In today’s changing world, where there are so many divorces, and changing decisions, it is important to open one’s heart and home to new scenarios. Love can conquer all, if you are set on doing so.

All you need is a forgiving and loving heart.

I’m sure, you too would know many cases like these. The point is, do not be influenced by ‘log kiya kaheingay’, ( what people might say,) or the toughness of circumstances. Failure is not an option. Work things out, the way you want. Most important of all, have faith in God, Allah or whatever you call Him.

 Go on and do what you feel is the right thing, deep in your heart.

That’s all!

Stay blessed, my Reader. 

Note: All names with * are not real names, to protect identities. All photographs have been taken by author. 

Holidays – opportunities for bonding with children.

Published on by Shireen Gheba Najib2 Comments

If life is difficult for us in these times, consider how hard it is for our children. Remember ‘for love, you need time’. When you get the time, don’t throw it away, by putting children into ‘summer classes’ and ‘winter break activities’. Spend the time with them. Otherwise, later on don’t wonder why there is no bonding, no caring. How can it be when at every opportunity you are looking for ways to get the children out of the way?

Come to think of it, how much time, do we have with our children? Most of the time, one is telling them, ’get up’, ‘get ready’, ‘have food’, ‘time for school’ ‘Finish your homework!’ So, after all that is done, how much time is there? Even when it is there, we are busy with something or the other.

So, while making the weekly, plan during summer or winter vacations do plan for activities with children. Cook nice dishes for them, arrange fun activities. Let them feel important.

Remember when you have guests, then you are with them, your children are not getting your attention. So, when you give time to your children, it means giving your full attention to them also.

Every summer, I’m being asked about classes for art or other activities, where mothers can put their children. Why?

Why not take every vacation in school as an opportunity to bond with your child at home? In fact, many times, I’ve taken the children with me by taking leave from school. I believe, our children learn more through travel. 

One of our most memorable holidays in USA, here we are at the Fisherman’s Wharf in San Francisco. 

Lots of time, I’m asked how have I got such lovely daughters, well it is because I had special ‘family time’ on a daily basis with them. During vacations I planned out lovely outings and activities for us to do together. Even on weekends we went on outings. Such outings and activities are important for bonding among family members.

If such times are not planned properly, I knew we would mostly get on each other’s nerves. (That doesn’t mean we never got on each other’s nerves. We still did some times.) So, it was best for us to balance it all. If there were ten days of winter or spring break, I’d make a plan for activities for at least four to five days. If possible, we would bring their father also into our plan. Otherwise, we went on our own. I’d get a tourism department brochure on places to visit in the city. (Remember, it was the time before internet.) Then I’d check out the activities and events in newspapers. Most of the time I knew what was going on, as I was writing about many events, in magazines and newspapers. So, we’d mark out what we wanted to do:

Yes, they are rather grown up now, but this is how its always been – right from the time they were babies. Here we are in Nathiagali when we went for two days, and stayed at this beautiful and charming place. 

Before leaving:

  • Just get the house tidied up, so we come back to agood neat home.
  •  I’d make sure there was food in the ‘fridge. Mostly, I’d take along snacks, or even a meal to be taken as a picnic.
  • We would often use the opportunity to eat out.
  • Usually, I’d have the food cooked a day before.
  • Water, (yes, there were no mineral bottles then.) Juices, and we were ready.
  • Sometimes, we’d take our pets along too, if it was an outdoor location.

Where to go?

  • Art gallery.
  • Zoo.
  • Puppet theater.
  • Funfair.
  • Fun land.
  • Museum.
  • Science museum.
  • Folk heritage.
  • Have a picnic in a beautiful spot.
  • Watch movies.
  • Take them for theater plays.
  • Specially, take them to book fairs.
  • Take them to literary festivals, and get them books.  

Points to keep in mind:

  • Keep it short and crisp, if needed. Avoid dragging an event. This will make them hate such outings.
  • Keep it fun.
  • Have their favorite snacks hidden in your purse, to give when their moods get bad.
  • I’d ask you to keep your personal calls and smart phone time, totally limited. (I’m being realistic enough to not ask you to avoid altogether.)
  • Do not take your maid with you. Do everything for your children yourself.

Indoor activities:

Of course you don’t go out daily. So, have indoor activities too. Let them help with household chores too. Then all of you can do something together. It can be any of the following:

  • Reading out the holy book, (one person reads andeveryone listens.)
  • Cuddle up on the carpet to watch a movie,
  • Play a game.
  • Sing songs together.
  • Dance together with music on full blast.
  • Just talk for hours, if you feel like it.
  • Share important events in life with each other.
  • Cook their favorite meal with their help in the kitchen. 
  • Throw a party, with party games in it. Let it all be a family event, where each person does something. (Instead of leaving all the work for you alone.) Remember to give them full credit during the party. One child can lay the table, other can make the salad and sweet dish. One of them can serve the cold drinks to the guests. Everyone can help clean up afterwards.
  • Cleaning up, or sorting out clothes, cupboards and drawers.
  • Planning and doing a new setting of lounge or the kid’s bedroom.

There are times in life when you do not have to play your role as a parent too much. Just be a friend to your kids, play silly games with them. I tell you, laughing together is the best medicine for all.

Having a favorite breakfast together. 

Stay blessed, lovely ones. Parenting can be so much fun, if you let it be so. 

‘My baby is mine!’

Published on by Shireen Gheba Najib2 Comments

 It is the burning issue on my mind these days.  I agree that life is challenging. Yet, it doesn’t give one the right to walk away from one’s own helpless baby. You are the only person on earth who can give him the greatest love on earth. You are choosing to deny your child this right to your love?

That clasp is enough to hold you on …. 

 

You can want to leave for any reason, please hold on. Don’t do it. Your child needs you. 

By the way, if you are doing it for another man. He too will reconsider going for a woman who can walk away from her own baby!

Do the right thing now:

Keep your baby. Most probably, if you are walking away without your baby, then you are walking towards another set of greater problems. It won’t get any easier by your leaving your child.

Once you keep your child, and decide to stay, you will definitely have more confidence knowing, you have done the right thing. That alone, will make you stronger.

A real life story of giving up one’s child:

Let me explain why I’m saying these things:

Over three decades ago, Tania (not her real name) decided to give her child to her childless eldest brother, (on the insistence of their father.) I had known the wife of that brother too. (I also knew that she didn’t want to take a child from the family, (as there would be too much interference,) instead she wanted to adopt from an orphanage.)

Young mother and newborn baby in white bedroom

Anyhow, I was in Karachi in those days, when I heard about it, I decided to call Tania and her bhabi to talk them out of it. In those days I was close to Sara, a friend in Karachi, who was childless. So when I told her I want to talk Tania out of this, she convinced me to stay out of it.  ‘Did Tania ask for your opinion? So, she convinced me to stay quiet. But I knew they weren’t doing the right thing.

Many years later, after the baby had been given to the brother and his wife; One day, Tania confessed, that she never knew how painful it would be to let go of her baby. By then it was too late. There were the congruent issues of who would be the grandparents of the child now? How were the real grandparents to feel about the child?

 In Islam, the child’s real father’s name should be kept with his name, so how would that look in the school records? So many other issues also kept happening with time.

Now, I know, the child doesn’t really care about his biological mother, even though he knows her. The actual father of the baby, poor chap, never had had any choice!

So, I kept realizing, why I should have listened to my heart (and not my friend) and gone ahead with that phone call. It would have saved them a lot of pain. Also, perhaps an orphan would have got a home. At least I would have done what I thought was the best thing to do.

Now, I’m listening to my heart and writing this blog post, saying what I’m thinking, about something so important.

People ask you for your child:

When a grown up like a parent of yours, or anyone else, is trying to push you to do it, refuse to listen. Tell them to mind their own business. This is your baby, and you decide about her. No one else has that right.

By the way, I too was asked by my father-in-law to give away my child. (If his other son was childless, was that mine or my child’s fault? Why should my baby and I have to pay for their misfortune?) I flatly told him, ‘If she was my tenth child, I wouldn’t give her away!’ (I said this, in spite of the fact that I had great regard for him.) But giving away a child is another matter.

Of course our society condones adoption of this type, and talks as if something ‘great’ has been done.

It isn’t great. Also, it is mostly, to get a hand on some wealth lying around!

Coming back to the Tania story; in hindsight, the child is better off with his other mother. Allah compensates in His own way. But his mother has definitely regretted that decision of hers!

It is now too late for her. 
But…

It isn’t too late for you!

Adoption is discouraged in Islam:

Much later in life, I understood the nuances of it all- the mehram aspect and what not. An adoption isn’t an answer for a child who has both parents alive. There has to be a better solution.

In the end, you realize, Islamic concept of things are actually right. We have to go through the whole process to realize some facts.

Exceptional situations are exceptions, but do not make a normal case into an exception.

My silent plea:

While counseling, and observing things happening,  I want to make this silent plea to all mothers of small babies:

Please, never ever let your baby go, under any circumstances. Just don’t.

Have faith in Allah to provide for you and the baby. You will manage. Why don’t you just surrender to Him who knows best?

Things change, have faith:

Today, I sit here under a roof that Allah helped me have. Seven years ago today, I didn’t know where my next meal would be coming from. Today, I’m not only taking care of myself, but others too. Grown men come to me for help. Can you believe it? You cannot imagine the forces that were going against me just seven years ago.

Just have patience.

Some success stories:

I know of many cases where a mother has held on to her children in the toughest circumstances. Several of these cases happened in front of me.  

  1. Two cases I personally know whose, husbands died in plane crashes. Later, a couple of great officers proposed to them, and now, they are leading happy married lives. The new fathers have adopted the first children too. 
  2.  There is a very well known, personality, in government service now, who came to Islamabad with almost no money, after her divorce. She left her parents, in Karachi, and moved to Islamabad, with nothing but her determination to make her own life. She had a two-year-old daughter and her faith in herself. Today, she has a prestigious job, and her daughter is a lawyer.
  3.   There is another friend of mine, who had a baby and divorced her husband. Later, she married a wonderful air force officer who adopted the baby. They have a wonderful life together. The young girl dotes on her dad.
  4. They are fine, in this ‘society.’ (Believe, me it was a far worse society then, when these ‘examples’ took place.) You are in a far better society today.
  5. There was a mother of a one-year-old-son, and her husband suddenly divorced her. After a couple of years, she received a proposal from a wonderful young man. Soon they got married, and he was thrilled to have a ‘ready-made-son’ to call his own. Afterwards, they’ve had two more children of their own. They are living happily near my home. 

Look at your recent past:

Just look back five or eight years ago? How was life then? Yes, things change,  you change, your circumstances change. So, why are you upset at today’s situations? Who knows, all this can change too! 

Why just chicken out of a situation with the worst possible ‘solution?’

Listen!

Take one step at a time. Do you believe your baby would rather have anything else, rather than you? Tell me? Your baby isn’t even old enough to say anything!

This is more important if your baby has some health issues. More reason for you not to abandon your child. If you fool yourself into believing that your husband will take care of the baby. Forget it. He will just remarry, and get on with his life. He cannot take care of your baby as you can. You can go to court and get financial help from him, but don’t let your baby go, please.

Leaving your baby means: 

You leave your child, then, you leave her open to situations of child abuse, kidnapping, and lack of faith. The most terrible thing is that she will never have any faith in another human being.

Once she grows up, she will know, there must be something wrong with her, that’s why even her own mother gave her up! How is this child to understand that it wasn’t anything to do with her? It was all about you?

All I want to say is this: when you are blessed with a child. It is the most beautiful blessing of all. To give away this beautiful gift is not the right thing to do.

Believe me you will never regret your decision. 

Thats all! 🙂

Be brave and stay blessed, my lovely one. Allah will reward you in ways that only He can! 

(I hope to meet you one day…. ! In a much happier state of mind and heart.)

Note: All these beautiful photographs taken online from ‘free online images’ and shutter fly with great appreciation. 

November 2018: Happenings and Reflections.

Published on by Shireen Gheba NajibLeave a comment

 

Salaams to everyone! Hope you are enjoying this lovely November.  I get very reflective in November. Is it the same with you? What with the year-end nearby and the changing season,  the leaves turning to gold all makes one ponder about life!

After November 20th 2011, my life changed. It happened, when I took my husband to the hospital for a headache. Then my world started falling apart. Fast forwards this November 19th, 2018, I took my father to the same hospital in an unconscious state. I felt this was the end.  But, yesterday, I brought him back fully recovered, I’m so happy. I realized, sometimes we have apprehensions which are baseless.

In hindsight:

Seven years back today, it seemed as if there was no ‘waking up’ from this cold, dark place of earthly hell.’ Somehow, we managed to keep our faith alive, and survived  with the help of our friends and total strangers. You know, all of us need to accept offerings from helping hands. It is vital to remember  Who has sent these hands to help.

All this comes from keeping a hotline with Allah during good times. So, when things fall apart, you two really know each other! (Remember the spirituality part in this one? Yes, the weekly plan.)

Lately, I’ve been deeply pained by two things. One was the suicide of a twenty-two year old girl on  November 28th in Lahore. It is extremely painful. The second one was the burning alive of a Hindu girl by a mob in India, for attending a church. I just cannot get that vision out of my mind. What is even more painful is the mob watching while doing nothing.

Listen to the silent plea for help:

When I learnt about the girl who gave up on life in Lahore,  I wished someone had tried to reach out to her when she openly mentioned taking her life on Facebook. We all need to look up from our phones sometimes, to look into the eyes of each other. Or even when looking at the phone, to read that plea and do something about it.

I’ve read books on suicide. (I did it when a student had made an attempt. )I learnt that the person says such things casually. It is a silent plea for help. Please take such remarks seriously. Do whatever you can. I’ve specially written this blog post on suicide, and this one on depression which usually leads to it.

You have the power to save lives. Use it.

My father got admitted in hospital again:

On 19th Novemeber  Hasnain (my domestic help), urgently called me, my father was seriously  unwell. I dashed to his room to find him unconscious. Immediately, I drove my father to PAF Hospital nearby. As I was parking the car, my daughter Waliya went in with my father, to the Emergency. By the time I reached the Emergency room, my father was already in bed, connected to the devices indicating his condition. His BP was 77/40. They admitted him in ICU within a couple of hours, and after two days, he was moved to a room.

As I write, he is back home after nine days in hospital. He is mentally and physically  so much better . He was saying to me, ‘I don’t know how to thank you, I have no words….’ I smiled and thanked Him, who had given him another life, (once again.) Specially, I must say the PAF Hospital is very good. Here, you see my parents meeting when he returned. 🙂

I’m also grateful for the help of my two doctors; Dr. Mehmood, a gastroenterologist and Medical specialist at Ali Medical Clinic, and Dr. Fayaz Bangash the urologist at Quaid-e-Azam Hospital, who monitors my father’s UTI.

Shahnaz Jafar’s paintings exhibition:

 

On 17th and 18th of November, there was an exhibition of water-color paintings by Shahnaz Jafar and wood craft art works by Saleema Hasan. It was held in their family home in Islamabad’s F-6/3 area. The exhibition was exclusive, and by invitation only. The informal display of art works was attractive.

The water colors by Shahnaz, showed charming aspects of old Rawalpindi city. There are parts of the city, which are still alive with their old charm. Shahnaz has immortalized scenes of inner city. The hustle bustle, the people living there is charming. The intricate details are done with great skill.

Knowing how busy Shahnaz is in real life, the work reflects not only her skill in water colors, but the skill of time management as well. How she manages to do all this work in spite of her busy schedule shows how well she balances life and her passion for art. A skill we all need to learn. We all need to make time to do what we love within this life..

Saleema is a young girl and niece of Shahnaz who is a keen photographer and

 

her work is refreshing. The love for her country and its woodcraft is evident in her work. Really liked her innovative style.

 

The young Entrepreneur named Habib:

My meeting with Habib two years ago was interesting enough. We had met when he and his beggar friends were after me, while I was parking my car in front of D-Watson shop. I had gone to get urine bags for my dad who wasn’t well. I wanted the ones, which can get attached to the leg, plus some other medications.

As I got out of my car, I realized that I’d left my purse in the bank which I had visited earlier. I was standing talking to Hasnain, to get it from the bank. I knew I’d have to go home now to get my wallet. These boys were listening. Do you know, they actually gave me their days’ earnings! All of it. And, do you know, I actually took it too! (I’d return it later, due to the urgency, I accepted their help.)  I took Habib’s mobile number and went to the shop. I found out these weren’t available, so, I returned their money.

During this process, Habib told me he is seventeen years old, washes cars for people, and is going to get married to a girl. I told him he is too young. He said that her father has remarried and the step mother is very cruel. So, he is going to get her out of her situation.

He would call and stayed in touch; I knew when he married, and when his first child arrived. Whenever I could, I’d help him. Last week he invited me to the ‘opening of his shop’.  So, I decided to go.

His pregnant wife, and his cute child were there with him. It was a pleasure meeting them. As you can see I’m munching a ‘ras gulla’ from the box of sweets which he had got for me.  His ‘shop’ was a make shift ‘room’, in his house. He is planning to support himself and his little family through it.

Sometimes, It is good to have such reality check meetings.

Happy Blessed Friday:

We all know it was Black Friday. I think for the first time I enjoyed it. I’ve never been a person for sales or shopping. It has always intrigued me why people go crazy about it. Waliya, my daughter and I managed to squeeze in two sessions in Centaurus, the most popular Mall in Islamabad. I realized I need to shop like this:

  • Be VERY CLEAR about what I want.
  • Buy the most expensive stuff, which you normally can’t afford.
  • Time it well. Stay focused and don’t overdo it.

Screen writing group meet up:

Now, I’m getting interested in screenwriting and directing too. The other day, Faheem Azam, had a mentoring session in my home. He  is the one who wrote the first eight episodes’ scripts for Teeli . It was a very informative session and we received an offer for future mentoring by him too. He gave us a glimpse of the world of script writing, and how it works.

Stay blessed lovely and handsome ones. Life can be great, and the show must go one. 🙂

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E2uomqCdOH0

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Caring for Elderly Parents

Published on by Shireen Gheba Najib6 Comments

Dealing with issues while caring for your elders.

Very few of us are blessed with the responsibility of caring for one’s parents. I cannot express the rewards and blessings that I enjoy just due to their presence in our home.

My parents have been with me for five years now. It is heartbreaking to see one’s parents getting  weaker day by day. Yet, being with them at this time in their life is the greatest feeling.   It has been a time full of ‘raunaq’ and lots of fun too. Our times have been difficult, happy, rewarding and wonderful. I’ve written in detail about almost every aspect here. Now that they are older, I felt that a brief updating is needed.

In my blog post on weekly planning  here, you will notice that it is best to plan one’s own week from physical, social/emotional, intellectual, financial and spiritual point of view. So, while caring for one’s parents too,  it should be the same .

Physical caring:

 

  • Clothing: Make sure clothing is comfortable and easy to change. Get new clothes for them, especially every season and on special occasions. (You can give away another dress with their permission which can become charity from their side.)
  • Get as much help of manpower as you can afford. Train them and motivate them well. Do, give surprise checks. Yet, keep their morale high, by appreciating their efforts. We know, it is a tough job. So, be kind to them. Yet, they must realize that they have to be efficient. Your surprise checks and vigilant care must be there also.
  • Equipment: Use the appropriate equipment available in medical shops. This  could include hospital bed,  wheelchair, walker, special chair for bathing, and the one for the WC is also good.
  • Dealing with incontinence: Remember your parents can become incontinent, (you don’t remember a time, when you used to be that as a kid, so stop turning up your nose.) If necessary,  pampers and catheters can help. Make sure rules of hygiene are followed. You can find water proof slip covers for mattresses, also  smaller water proof sheets to protect the place they sit or sleep in.
  • Family doctor: Have a good doctor on call nearby, whom you can consult on your phone also, preferably who is willing to visit your home. Otherwise, do take your parents to hospital on time. I’ve found that responding to first signs of problems is better than waiting for things to get worse, and then going in an emergency. On the other hand, after some time, you realize, you can handle at least fifty percent of the issues on your own. You learn from every hospital experience. Soon you can reduce trips to hospital.
  • Laboratory Tests: Let me tell you one secret. Every doctor is made to advise you to have so many ‘tests’ taken. (This is all cash income for the hospital – believe me, my ninety year old dad has been tested for fertility!) This is not a laughing matter, so do counter question the doctor about each and every test that he prescribes. Ask if it is invasive and what it is all about. You will find, half of them are unnecessary. I’ve realized some counter questioning can make a big difference. Of course, you cannot do this in an emergency, but you can be vigilant on normal visits.
  • Emergency services: Do proper emergency services research, to find out which hospital is best. In Islamabad, Quaid-e-Azam hospital is the best these days. Do find out what is good for which type of emergencies.  Going to the right place for the specific emergency is vital.
  • Healthy foods and their intake: As far as food is concerned, sometimes the intake is restricted due to dental problems. In that case, getting good dental work done is essential. My father got a set of teeth put in, which is the full set. Due to that he looks good and also can eat well. Now, he is having problem in swallowing. So, now we just liquidize the food, and make it into a porridge so he can have the food. Make sure their nutritional intake is good. Fruits and vegetables are a must, as is meat and milk.
  • Herbal and natural treatments: Try to use herbal and natural treatments as much as possible.
  • Safety: Have handles placed in washrooms and preferably soft flooring, to avoid slipping and falls.

Social and emotional care:

 

  • Home environment: Keep a happy environment in your home, and in their room. Try keeping their familiar things with them.  
  • Take them often for outings: Do make sure the outings are within the time slot of their waking hours, and smooth and well planned. Do not tax them too much. Never be out too long.
  • Encourage visitors: Having visitors over to meet your elders is the best thing. Specially persons they love. Such moments are cherished by all. When visitors come you need to inform them about your parent’s routine. Be vigilant about their sleeping and eating hours. Encourage guests to adhere to these hours. Otherwise, take the parents in to rest, and entertain the guests yourself.
  • Mood swings: Take the bad moods with humor and patience. It is okay. Remember, as kids we would bellow our heads off? So, it is okay if they want to do it sometimes. Even now, we all have our moments.
  • Love: Plenty of love and care is all that they need. Hug them tightly, and sing their favorite songs for them too. Otherwise, keep the I-pad handy.
  • Psychological issues: Just be happy and keep them happy eighty percent of the time. Be patient and loving. However, if you feel that your parent is being too aggressive and impatient, know that it can be a medical condition, not age related at all. Perhaps there is another issue: As Dr. Shahid once mentioned, a problem can be due to any of three  following factors:
    • Age, 
    • Illness.
    • Medication. It could be the reaction of two types of medications that you are giving, causing this side effect. Only a doctor can find out, and monitor this situation. Preferably a good psychiatrist.

  1. Intellectual care:

  • Use intellectual triggers of memory and learning to keep their minds active. Use of color and sounds also help. Put on their favorite music for them by using the Youtube, and help with finding whatever interests them. Get new gadgets like mobile phone, ipad and computer for them, help them in getting comfortable with these.
  • Reading of books and magazines is very good. If they can’t read themselves, you can read out. You can see what they like and make sure you help them attain it. I know my father loves Allama Iqbal, Ghalib and Mian Muhammad Bukhsh, so I often read their poetry out to him, and his face really brightens up. He even fills in with verses that I cannot remember. It is a wonderful experience.
  • There will be times when he or she is disoriented. Just go along.  You will notice, most of the times they are perfectly fine and fully alert.
  • When you speak to your parent, look in the eye, speak slowly and slightly loudly. Keep your expression pleasant and listen when he speaks. Be patient and repeat what you understand. (Another point suggested by Dr. Shahid. He is a consultant at IDC F-8, Islamabad.)

  1. Financial care:

  • It is essential to let them enjoy the fruits of their lifelong hard work. Their property and wealth is theirs. Help them benefit from it. They deserve to enjoy and have all the comforts of all that they own.
  • If they aren’t financially stable, then do give them all that you can.
  • Unfortunately, I’ve come across very ugly scenes where on the death of the father, the children are talking of ‘distribution’ in the lifetime of their mother. How can anyone even think of such a thing? If only one parent is left,  let him enjoy his wealth till the end of his life. You didn’t make it, it is theirs.  Your parent deserves to use his or her wealth to be financially independent .
  • Remember, when you were young, your mother could have got many jobs, but didn’t take them for your sake. Now, when she is old and feeble, you want to deprive her of her own and her husbands’ belongings in their lifetime? I’m really shocked.
  • You are young, robust and strong. You cannot even imagine the hardships your parents suffered to bring you to this strong position that you are enjoying today.

  1. Spiritual care:

  • Reading out Holy Quran to them, is a good way to start the day. Do it with meanings in the language which they understand best. Your voice will be like a tonic for them.
  • Help them in saying prayers.
  • Give sadqa and charity for organizations from their side, or get food distribution in soup kitchens etc.

Take care of your parents with love, and you shall certainly be blessed.

 

 

Marriage Safety Valves

Published on by Shireen Gheba Najib2 Comments

It is about making your story as ‘Happily ever after’ as possible.  

 

(Warning: This is my longest blog post –  why not grab that cup of tea or coffee you’ve been wanting to have?  It is can important topic, almost as important as life itself.  So, here goes: )

I asked my eighty-four-year-old happily married mother what she had to say about married life and she said,

‘Married life is what you make it!’

She said this, after sixty-two years of married life, and her husband is crazy about her. They cannot live without each other even for a minute. Each one looks out for the well-being of the other all the time. Of course they still have their little skirmishes and let each other have it. The fact remains, they cannot be without each other.

Isn’t that what marriage is really all about?

Once I was going through a bad patch in my married life. (My close friends were convinced it was ‘jadoo’ or ‘nazar’, as we were the envy of everyone. Our parties, home and family were looked upon as an example by all. As you can see from my husband’s round up of our home and family here. Anyhow, I didn’t believe that one. )

I went to a mentor of mine. After I told her my (sad) story, she said, ‘you know, everything that you have said, sounded like my own story!’ I was shocked. When we compared, there were a few major common factors.

‘If that is true, then how is it that you are counseling me, and I’m so upset?’

She said, ‘I turned to Allah.’

 

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