What do you do, when the world’s best relationship turns into the worst?

Suddenly, I feel impelled to write on this topic.

As I write, the Mohsin Abbas Haider and Fatima Sohail case is blazing on our screens.  Yes, this is the ugly side of a toxic relationship. You are getting a demo of how it can end up.

So, how does such toxic situation happen? What could have been done to prevent it? (Believe me, it is very easy to tell others what to do, till one is oneself in such a situation.)

So, we are not being judgmental here. – Just using it as a learning experience, for all those who are in a similar crisis. Many couples are  going through similar situations.  So, this blog post is for them.

Preventive steps:

Your best bet is to keep your relationship as good as it can be for as long as possible. Do all you can to keep it great. However, when a violent act takes place, know that this is the ‘cut-off’ point in the relationship. In Fatima Sohail’s  case, she had been beaten previously too. That is when she should have walked out. Because when a partner hits you – this is the point of no return.

Your smartness lies, in not allowing a relationship to come to that head; if you can help it. The fact is that domestic physical violence always begins with verbal abuse.

Supposing a man is being verbally abusive. So, what you can do is,

1. Let him know (later on when his mood is better.) Tell him, that you found it hurtful. Give him a chance to apologize. These days the Hum channel. play ‘Khaas’is highlighting this. His constant ‘shaming remarks in front of everyone,’
2. Successful examples:

• Jokes at her expense: I personally know a friend whose husband makes jokes at her expense. She always smiles and takes it. (I’d think I’d hate it!) However, her patience is rewarded by the fact that she lives like a queen in her home. He is a loving and giving husband. So, in certain cases, you can let it go, and laugh it off too, if otherwise, he is a good husband.
• Verbally abusive husband: It is possible, that what you consider verbal abuse may be ‘normal’ in your husband’s family. Yes, I’ve got another friend, whose husband has always used abusive language. He also kept her short on cash all her life. So, when you think about it, the abusive language is ‘normal’ in his family, so he doesn’t mean it badly, just that he is angry, and keeping short in finances is because he has a lot of responsibilities and cannot afford. Understanding this, she chose to ignore this and contributed to her family by her jobs. He was a good father to their children. He was good to her friends and relatives too. She valued his good qualities. In the end, she won by having a loving home for her children, and they all have lived successful lives.
• Counting his good points: If his good points are more, perhaps you can live with a few bad ones. If he is able to give you what is important for you, then you can overlook. Supposing you’ve invested too much showing patience now, will help you reap the harvest.
• Have faith. Allah is always there, and something will come out of it. You’ve got to be clear. Whether to stay or to leave should be a well thought out decision on your part. So that you won’t regret walking out on him, later on. (Remember, it won’t be easy out there either.)

Different Types and phases of Domestic violence:

You can get information about these types of domestic violence; check which one you are facing right now:

1. Passive aggressive behavior: He doesn’t hit you, he doesn’t say anything bad. It is just that he makes sure your life is hell with him. So, there is nothing you can tell others. Hidden agendas here.
2. Stonewalling: When he treats you as if you don’t exist. He literally looks through you, behaves as if you haven’t spoken or he hasn’t heard you.
3. Gaslighting: Playing mind games. He is making you believe you are at fault.  It is your fault that he is having to beat you, or be nasty. This is a carefully planned mind game.
4. Verbal abuse: when he constantly insults you, and your family.
5. Physical abuse: Yes, and beating too!
6. Torture: Mental and physical torture. Actually, this is the extreme case!

Know your own threshold:

Each human being is different. While physical domestic violence is unforgivable, the other types depend on you. Can you laugh it off in your own life? Your best bet is when you make it clear to him by your behavior that he isn’t succeeding in what he is trying on you. Let him try. I’ve known women just laughing it off, and managing to find ways to avoid such situations. They are smart. To remain unhurt and pretending to be blind to it all; Till he realizes you aren’t affected, so he stops trying.

There is hope that with time he realizes. Perhaps it is influence of some individual in his life. But he is to blame even then.  You need to be vigilant and aware.

Sometimes, it works to call his bluff, let him know that you are aware of what he is trying to do. You are the best judge of your situation. Please take care of yourself.

What you can do:

• Carefully, analyze the situation. Keep a journal, so that it can help you keep your sanity. Know what it is first. Only then you will know how to deal with it.
• Have one confidante or two. Go to a counselor, psychologist, psychiatrist or spiritual guide. At least he or she can help you analyze the situation properly. Do not go to a person of opposite gender.
• Concept of communication doesn’t work: Know that the concept of ‘dialog’ or ‘communication’ has been disproven. It invariably takes things totally out of context and on to a different path. Adding more problems. Honestly speaking – do you think a passive aggressive person will accept that he is being that? Or that he is stonewalling you? No! By the way, there are sites online which can regularly send you emails helping you to deal with a passive aggressive partner.
• Use spiritual strength: Prayers, Tahajjad prayers, ask Him for help and guidance. Mostly, ask for patience and inner strength.
• See your situation from all aspects: which family member can be of help? What will happen if you take any of the options that you want to take. Can you take the consequences? Are you financially and emotionally strong enough?
• Carefully check out your situation in both cases, whether you decide to stay or if you leave.
• Speak to someone your husband respects a lot: He may heed to someone he holds in great regard.
• If you have children, then know how your decisions will affect your children, in the near and distant future also.
• Youtube videos on relationships by BK Shivani are amazing. See if they help.

You both can go for counseling together:

• Though the success rate from counseling alone is not very encouraging. Yet it is worth trying.
• The fact that you both are going together for it, itself would make a difference.
• Ask someone to intervene and help.

Never forget the third element- your children:

How will they take it, and how will they be affected? Right now, our society doesn’t help the children cope. In the West, they are way ahead in this. You can have stable children even outside a marriage.

Ask your children and yourself:

Can your children live in this bad marriage?

Would it be better, if you walked out?

Be clear, what you can do, if you walk out?

So, you decided to bail out!

Once decided, be cool and plan well. Involve a few people who are wise, preferably not from either families, or one each from both families. Take things into control. Do, not let domestic violence become the norm by taking it. Move away first. I’ve written about divorce in this blog post here.

Have faith in all situations:

Whether you choose to stay inside or outside the relationship, know that Islam has no problem with divorce. Except that it advises you avoid it, if possible.

Have faith in Allah whether you choose to stay inside or outside the relationship.

I believe very strongly that whatever course you choose to take. Do it with mutual grace, dignity and respect. Remember at all times, that you are talking about the child’s father, or the child’s mother.

Just remember that.

All this media hype will die down. But one fine day, this child will search and find all this information online on YouTube or whatever ‘system’ there is then. How will this child feel about his mother and father?

Just calmly think about it from that silent baby’s point of view. The worst thing is that everyone will be knowing about it too.

Walk away with grace, and take up your life. Some things do not have to be said, they are a silent statement. Yet, they keep a pardah or veil.

As the verse in Quran about marriage partners is: They are a raiment unto each other.

Be that raiment, and protect the other from the public eyes. Whatever happens, forgive, and move on. Do not take domestic violence. Walk out or do whatever you decided.  Let things happen in a way that is respectful and condones towards a peaceful future for both of you.

As far as I can see, a divorce is like a ‘hijrat’ or migration. It is necessary when your functioning as a human being becomes distorted. Therefore, move on with dignity and get to the next step ASAP.

As Dr. Phil says in his book Family First, ask yourself this: is the pain of staying more than the pain of moving away?

Know that in both cases, it is a painful journey. (No, I cannot say ‘Stay blessed’ here!)  But if you aren’t in this situation, You are blessed!

Note: All photographs are courtesy of Waliya Najib Khan.

– Sorting ourselves out and helping the offices out of their ML and DFM work ethics. 

Life is so very short. We all have so much to do, before we leave this world. (I’ve just returned from the funeral of a person known to me. She died suddenly, last night. She was fine.) So, is it fair to prolong simple jobs for the public, due to inefficient methods, or prehistoric ‘systems’ ?

No, it isn’t!

We’ve got to find ways to make systems efficient, so the work is completed within shortest time.

It can be done, through our collective power of intentions.

If by any happy chance, you are working at any of the offices of Government or private,

where there are ‘procedures’ and ‘rules’. Then,  please read this blog post with an open heart. Know that and your efforts (in the form of reduction of steps-to-get-a-job-done for your client,)  may help you too, in the end.

End??? Oops!

First, correct your own faulty papers:

We need to look at ourselves first. Many of us have faulty papers in hand, which we ourselves know that these have to be corrected. The NADRA CNIC cards of most persons were filled, with many mistakes. When we read, we realized many things were not correct. Or with time, these became incorrect because we moved houses, or cities.

My husband and I had gone for a correction to the NADRA office in Rawalpindi once.  On visiting the office, we found out that Waliya was written down as son, Wali. So, we corrected that. Similarly there were many more mistakes, like place of birth, names of family members etc. When we change address, we have to get it corrected in the CNIC card also.

When I protested to the management, about the lengthy processes, he said, ‘you all had these cards for so many years, why didn’t you get it corrected earlier?’ He was so right!

Realize, it is for your benefit:

Try to be as patient and cool headed as possible, during the process. Be methodical, and take your bottle of water, chewing gums, goodies, in purse.

Give yourself a treat, at every step. – Yes, celebrate!

When I was furious, at the time of going to pick up my mother’s corrected CNIC card, I told the person in charge , I’m going to write a blog post on this!’

He  said,’ I’m only doing it to secure it for your mother! Please appreciate that.’ Yes, he was right. Finally, he agreed to talk to my mother on video call and get her permission to let me collect her card – this is what I mean by using modern methods -I  had also put the FRC (Family registration certificate with pictures, in front of him.) So, he could recognize my mother properly. I told him, it is difficult for her to come, every time. So, he agreed. So, try to see the problem from their position also.

Maybe they are just doing their job!

Present conditions:

Right now, in every office you visit; you will find two types of works going on.

1. The ‘good’: smooth, efficient work methods and ethics being followed.
2. The ‘bad and the ugly’: too many complicated ‘methods’ and ‘rules’.

Yes, in many lucky cases, the process is smooth, and free from unexpected and horrifying hassles. Your work gets done almost immediately.

If you are veryyyyy lucky! (One of the officers confessed, that if I do this work on same day, I’ll be asked by the audit team, why I completed it so quickly?)

Otherwise,  the personnel at every office, are combining old and new ways to torture their client (that’s you,) by asking for all types of attestations, affidavits, ‘ishtamp’ papers, and whatever else methods of torture they can think of. – Especially when you are aggrieved, hassled and driven through courts by your beloved outlaws.

In short the ML and DFM treatment.

What are ML and DFM procedures?

ML : in Punjabi language there is a terminology of saying maghron laiye this means that you should ‘get off our head’! So, they send you off on another wild goose chase.

DFM: Another technical term in Punjabi: Dhur fittay moon! I doubt if there is a parallel to this term, which means in brief, ‘to hell with you!’!

My message in a nutshell:

If you are working in any of the organizations, please…. Just sit down for a few minutes, and look over what you are doing to your clients. You can:

1. SIMPLIFY rather than to COMPLICATE the procedures.
2. Give exemplary punishments to the criminals that try to mess with your systems in office and publicize these cases.
3. DO NOT PUNISH INNOCENT PEOPLE FOR CRIMES COMMITTED BY CRIMINALS. Most of the criminals have got away with it, and you are busy punishing the innocents.
4. Also know, that no one from outside can do a criminal act without help from an ‘insider’. So, when found out, again an exemplary punishment is vital, and the person must be made an example for rest of staff of that organization.

In short, for the crimes of about 5 % of your clients, you are punishing 95 % of your clients!

Distorted ‘justice system’ – by punishing the innocents:

I remember, that once in the PAF Officer’s Mess, (a long time ago.) it was found out that the person in charge was swindling the cash. So, he was posted out, while everyone there, was asked for extra funds in Mess Bills to adjust the mismanaged finances!!!

Masha Allah!  This is our sense of justice.

Here, Nawaz Sharif, Zardari and their clans swindle the country, and everyone else has to pay for it.

Correct justice system:

The correct way is to catch the criminal and make him pay for all the extra expenses that he swindled or incurred.  In Pakistan, the system of justice is to punish the innocent – while the crooks get away scot free.

Wait a minute!

It is so, the world over.

If you just look at the visa’s applications, they have become so grueling; It is for the same reasons. Everyone is paying for the crimes of a few. But in some ways, they have become very technically updated and upgraded.

We are mostly in the stone age!

Solution:

1. Have grueling punishments for those who do things wrongly.
2. Facilitate the good guys.

In a school where I worked, we had a very good administrator. But when it came to the results of the classes, she wanted us teachers to have the results of each class handwritten three times. (I was teaching English to five classes then!) So, I suggested, we write one, and have three photocopies of it, for each class. She said, ‘no, it all has to be handwritten three times!’ I was ready to fight it out, till the Math teacher, (God bless him,) opted to write them three times each for me. Why!!???

Simplify, get real. Be in the 21^st century!

My proposals for procedures:

Check out all present ‘rules and procedures’:

 

1. Keep the process brief and crisp. Do away with affidavits, stamp papers and attestations, and specially grade 17 Magistrate signatures.
2. Ask yourself, is the rule still applicable?
3. Are there simpler alternatives? How can we reduce these procedures to a minimum?
   

Before making any new rules/procedures:

Find out:

1. Firstly, which previous ‘rule’ will the new one replace?
2. How effective can this be, for how many? (Is it necessary?)
3. Use latest technology to have effective ways to resolve issues. Can this be done online?
4. Death certificate: Hospital document, should be enough for NADRA to discontinue the CNIC card, and allot the death certificate, why should one have to go to the Union Council also?
5. Pension: Death certificate and CNIC card of nominee: it is written there if she is wife. That is all that is needed.

To make my point clear:

If the present rules were so great, why is there so much crime today? – Because, my dears, most of the crime takes place with help and direction an insider from the organization. So, in fact, they have to improve their own induction processes, and human resource management.  

Five benefits of simplified ‘procedures’:

1. Everyone will follow the rules and procedures. The lessor steps there are, the more people will follow it. The same applies to income tax procedures too.
2. There will be less crime.
3. Since each ‘application’ process will take lessor time, more work will be achieved in lessor time. Hence the pressure in offices will decrease. The’ flow’ will be fast and efficient.
4. More work will get done in everyone’s personal lives too.
5. Better work done, at all levels due to less disillusionment, frustration and hopelessness.

A fresh mindset is the answer. The citizen of Pakistan must get priority. We all have better things to do, than to run round and round the Mulberry bush for sorting out crazy, obsolete and irrelevant ‘procedures’ of almost all offices.

As Ashfaque Ahmed would always say,

Allah ap ko asaaniyan bantnay wala banaye! May you be able to make life easier for others.

Make this happen in your own place of power, and stay blessed. 🙂

Note: All photographs are taken by author, except the one of Ashfaque Ahmad, which was taken from internet. All the  quotations were taken from internet also.

 

Survival tactics in Pakistan – or anywhere else! When the going gets tough, the tough get tougher. How much tougher? Hmmm … lets find out. 

 So you know, life has been basically fine. But the office procedures, after my father’s death, have been literally killing me.  

When my Dad passed away in February this year, naturally it was traumatic for us all. Having to manage everything, single handedly was tough. Thanks to my personal enemies, I’ve got to stay strong at all times. Which is good too. May Allah bless them ! 😉 They keep me alert. They keep me happy, they make me value all that I have in spite of their futile efforts.

Alhamdolillah.

I discovered, no  one has to be mean to anyone in our country (or any other.) The ‘system’s and ‘procedures’ make sure you are tested and tried at every nook and corner.

See other’s pain:

Right in the middle of constant stamp papers and affidavits,  I stood up and looked.

I realized, my problems are nothing, compared to those of so many who came to console us. So many who stood by me,  (online and in my life,) had real life horrific issues of their own. Yet, they came. Some fighting cancer, some just recovering from their own losses. One had the loss of twins, after going through so much to have the babies.

So many things.

So, what am I getting at? Knowing you are not alone, helps. Seeing people worse off than yourself, makes you realize, how silly you are being! Also, it leads to giving more sadqa and charity -which is even better.

Thanks to the help of my amazing followers on Instagram, website and Facebook pages, I’ve had donors providing for persons who really needed help. I had done my homework. This smile on the face of Shamim from Kanewal, mother of three daughters, made my day. She made me forget my aching body that day, when you all had given her things for her daughter’s upcoming marriage.  Every mother would like to see off her daughter in nice clothes, taking a few nice necessities with her. (Yes, I had put oil in my hair, and when my helper Hasnain made this video call, I was thrilled to see all your contributions had reached her safely.) She lives alone, supported by the pay of her one working daughter. Her mother lives with her, her husband passed away, sometime back.

So, let me share what I’ve learnt:

Three ways of dealing with rough times:

1. Do what has to be done methodically:

   • Restrict timings allotted to the added chores resulting from the trauma. Believe me, Rome wasn’t built in a day or two! No matter what people say, it will take time.
   • So, do one thing at a time.
   • Keep it all in a box in your mind. Do not let it spill into your entire day/life.
   • Do not get upset when it takes longer than expected. It will.
   • Know, that it is not just in Pakistan, everywhere, there are a lot of hassles.
   • I had allotted one month for the chores. It’s now over five-months, still the work isn’t done.
   • Prioritize wisely: for instance, my mother was most important. So, at first I just focused on her, and making her feel better. Then in conserving her valuables. Then doing what had to be done.
   • Give a daily time-slot to the added chores, after that take a break or get back to your own life.
   • Forgive yourself for any mistakes.

2.      Keep your faith in humanity and systems:

• Know that there are good people everywhere, and sometimes it is our own fault. Learn the systems going on in the organization, and go accordingly first.
• We have to get in sync with the ‘system’, learn as much as we can about it. Follow their rules first. For instance, hospitals have an operation day, and OPD day and so on. No point in getting angry if you went on the wrong day to see the surgeon.
• Yesterday, I had a tough time, I had gone about 28 km to Rawalpindi for second time. It was a real suspense thriller situation. The work wasn’t getting done, instead of getting personal with the man in charge, I just mentioned, that there is some problem, even though he isn’t to blame, nor was I to blame; but how to solve it? He was trying his best to help me but problem wasn’t getting solved. I was being shunted between two offices. Finally, he thought of something, which cleared out everything within minutes. Otherwise, I was to go to the courts. (That’s equal to saying, it won’t be done.) Alhamdolillah. Just keep praying in your heart.

3.     Don’t leave morale boosters!

1. Things that give you a boost: your prayers, siparah, meeting friends, doing artwork, reading, music or whatever.
2. Your normal good-deeds which you used to do, before the big trauma happened. Do not stop these because now you are extra busy, or financially challenged, even then. Allah is there to take care of you. You can reduce the time, or amount if necessary, but don’t stop.
3. Repeat gratitude list: Thank Allah for the trauma also: Firstly, know that God knows better than any of us. We are human and cannot see far enough. Accept His verdict. Find reasons why it is better this way. For instance, in my father’s case, I know, Allah saved my father from some very unpleasant surgical incisions which were being planned. He is in a far better place now. Also, Masha Allah he led a full and worthy life. Fought for his land and offered his life for it, twice: during 1965 and 1970 wars.
4. Make time for giving relief to yourself: Since it is going to take time, if you give up your happy meals, your exercise, your meetings with friends, sacrifice everything, and you will end up depressed, suppressed and miserable. I’m telling you the ‘systems’ are so lethal everywhere, that you have to keep your nerves, your morale and your spirits high. Pamper yourself: Do, that pampering which you’ve never even done before. (My sweet follower and donor Alia Janjua pampered me in such a sweet way that it truly boosted me up at a time when I really needed it.) I guess, she knew I’d never do it for myself.
5. Stop all negative thoughts or talks: Just don’t allow this within your own self, nor with your friends. Be positive, you will get out of this phase in life.  There will be more problems later on also, so keep your stamina for that too! 😉

Believe me, keeping our own sanity and spirits high is more important, than any ‘work’.

Stay blessed!