Ten-Year-Marriage Pitfalls

*Life isn’t perfect, we have to work towards it, that’s all.*

Complacency

‘It is complacency in the pilot, which is the cause of many accidents.’ This is what my husband told me. As an aero-space engineer in the Pakistan air force, he knew what he was talking about.

‘What do you mean by complacency?’ I asked.

‘Well, it is when you’re a very successful pilot and have done very well in the field. Then you become over-confident. That’s when things start going wrong.’ He continued, ‘It can be anyone. An engineer, or any worker in any field.’

My husband, Air Commodore Muhammad Najib Khan was one of the most successful engineers in his time. He was the Officer Commanding at Sargodha Base, (1999 -2001). Sargodha is the largest air force base. I’m proud to say the Pakistan Air Force is one of the best in the world.

Complacency in Marriage

*A picture of my husband and myself after ten years of marriage, we were at the Karachi harbor. with friends.*

It definitely happens in any field. Even in marriage. Your marriage. Especially, once you have crossed the ten-year milestone. It happens because by now you feel very confident. Having been through many ups and downs together, both of you have found ways to live together without too much friction. In fact, you have blended into a great family. Your family is complete (or almost.) Children are school going, and settling well, hubby dear doing well in his career. Even you have started work and are doing very well in your own field. You have good friends, have holidays and are leading a great life.

So, what is happening now? I mean what could possibly happen?

Mid-life crises

Some call this unsettled feeling the mid-life crises. What? In the mid or late thirties?! Well, it can happen so young too. But basically, it is a feeling of ‘been there, done that,’ and you think, ‘is this all in my life? Just this?’

Wisdom from the Man from Seattle

Once, I was flying from Seattle to Los Angeles, on way to Pakistan. I think this was in January 2009, He was sitting next to me in the plane. He was so cute, with a Christmas father look, except that his beard was nicely trimmed. He glowed with his pink and white complexion and white moustaches and beard. We got talking, and he told me he had been married for fifty-seven years.

‘Wow’ I thought. I was going through some struggles in my marriage, and asked him,

‘Does it get any easier after fifty-seven years?’

‘Every day is a struggle.’ He said. ‘But it is worth it.’ With a smile.

He told me he is going to Los Angeles to attend a work shop on Quantum Healing. He got interested in this field when his wife had got badly injured in a car accident. When he saw her having to take so many medications, he started looking out for alternative sources of healing. That’s when he got into Quantum healing techniques. Now he has become a master at it. Yet he was going to attend a workshop to further improve himself.

That flight was a real pleasure, I learnt so much. I was so touched by this husband who is doing so much for his wife. Just to make his wife feel better, and had started a new career for himself due to it.

Synergy in marriage

It is just amazing, how a marriage can make each partner bloom and shine more. Just because of doing things together. He has her support and she has his support. That’s when it is just amazing. I’m sure you have experienced those times too. That is the best part of marriage.

Taking each other for granted

Another form of complacency is taking each other for granted. I’m telling you, if there is one thing a woman cannot take; it is being taken for granted. Well, I’m sure it’s the same for men too. We all need validation. You need it more from your partner. So, as a wife, remember to validate and appreciate your husband more now after ten years; (Instead, of doing it lessor now.)

Facing challenges

*Here we are at Quaid e Azam’s mausoleum, in Karachi.*

On the other hand, you both are doing well in your careers, I know there have been so many challenges, but it is a changing world and the challenges out in this world are plenty. Each one of you is facing more and more challenges in this outside world. Bad bosses, tough hassles, entanglements, social media, Corona19 and now inflation. What more do you need? Definitely not a bad marriage! It is time to realize this.

What you need now.

You need to be stronger as a couple now. More in tune with each other. Say, ‘I love you’ more often, go out on dates, have times together. (Without feeling you are wasting your time and money). After all, you have meals together every day anyway! Well, I cannot stress this enough. Go for walks together, watch movies together, just the two of you. Or do anything you both like, together. Or make an ordinary outing special by doing something extra for your partner. As a wife, you know best how to make him so happy! ? That goes for hubby dear too.

You know, once I got so fed-up with our ‘busy’ lives, I literally kidnapped my husband and took him for a nice meal. Afterwards, he asked me, ‘when will you kidnap me again?’ Deep inside, they are missing that old you too.

You’ve got to make more of an effort to be closer to each other, because definitely, you are getting further apart now. You say it is due to the career and other issues. ‘I’m doing it for you! I’m doing this for our future.’ is the typical answer.

All this is rubbish! Remember how you used to make an effort to learn new dishes for him? How you would dress up extra special when he was to get home? Or those surprise gifts? Girl, and man, (I’m hoping some guys are also reading this post.) Just do something special for each other. Because your partner is the most special person in your life right now. Make him/her feel it too.

It is true, you have such little time to be together now. Then make an effort for it. Just an hour or two would be great. Come on, you can do it.

Working for our Future.

Yes, it is important to work for ‘our’ future. But not at the cost of our present. The present is important too. A balance is important, whatever a couple does. Overdoing things is not the answer. You will lose each other in this process. Maybe you will be together from the face of it, but you will become poles apart, if you carry on like this.

What about Now?

While your future together is important, so is the present. Spending a few minutes or hours of quality time together is worth it. You will never lose out on it. Be the best form of yourself at such times. Try not to bring up any ‘touchy’ topics please. AVOID FIGHTING. (I know you two have become good at it.)

My mother just kept quiet, and was a great person to be with. I know my father always loved being with my mother. (They spent around sixty-two years together.) She made him feel great. They played chess, or cards. Both were very good at it. For hours they would play. It was a joy for me to see them at it. Children feel good to see happy parents, being together.