(The best policy in any relationship: husband and wife, friends, boss and subordinate or any other.)
It is a fact that arguments weaken a team. It is best to avoid it.
Come to think of it. It never takes you anywhere, except to get even further apart. I don’t know why, but that is how it goes.
People who are by habit argumentative like:
“I think it should be done like this….”
“How do you know?”
And so on. Such questions are very ‘normal’ except when they are uttered just to gain time, or to waste it. When a person has no intent of doing something, he goes into argument.
If you watch any one of those popular talk shows on Pakistan’s television networks, there is nothing but argument going on. The belief is; the more arguments there are, the more the ‘rating’ grows. Hence it is egged on even more. The anchor or one of the ‘plants’ will say such a thing that the conversation gets out of proportion ending in hot arguments.
We, so called ‘educated’ people know how to do it and indulge in it to a fault. I remember, my mother never argued with my father. I kept thinking how ‘mazloom’ she is, – or how sad her position was. The fact is that she was wise enough to know that that was not the right time to ‘answer back’. It was a time for silence and to wait till my father was in a better frame of mind.
Even with my own husband. We had made a pact that when one of us gets argumentative, the other should just be quiet. (It did work for many years….)
Yes, that’s what I’m saying, the more a person tries to ‘explain’ something, the worse things get. Some silly word comes out and the argument starts going in another volatile direction.
So, what to do?
Patience! That’s the recommended thing.
I know, how hard it is to avoid an argument. This verse from Quran will give you courage:
“Obey Allah and His Rasool and do not argue with one another, lest you lose courage and weaken your strength. Show patience, surely, Allah is on the side of the patient.” Surah Anfal 8: ayat 46.
Many couples just fall into a repetitive pattern in their lives, where both start arguing on every arguable point in their lives. In fact it seems they enjoy it too. The children watch on, as the bouts go round and round. Sometimes, one wins and another time the other wins. Point scoring becomes the name of the game.
If this is done within limits which are acceptable to both, and surprisingly something positive does come out of it all. Then, one can say that it is fine.
I doubt if many couples can boast this.
It can be any situation. For instance, in Kuwait I remember our flat was located at a junction point. Every other day there was an accident there. Knowing how in Pakistan, people become so ugly, I would specially stand to watch what happens. I’d find that the persons would get out of their cars calmly. Then stare at any damage done. Then either work out a solution between themselves and drive off; or wait for the police to come and sort it out. No fighting, no arguments.
Most folks have a rough time keeping their arguments within limits.
Last October when I was in Seattle, my daughter was driving home, when the car behind her banged into hers. Naturally, both of them stopped. The American girl who was in the car behind came over and hugged my daughter and said “Thank God you are all right! I’m so sorry, I just got diverted and couldn’t stop!” That was all that was needed. The police was already there at that curb, as another accident had already taken place a while back. So, things were settled out. See? That is what I mean. An argument can be avoided, if one is truthful, calm and careful. Strangely enough Bilal, my son-in-law had had an accident at the same place a month back, (yes, there is something spooky about that spot!). Immediately, he said “It was my fault.” That was that. He had a very good driving record, so an agreeable solution was found.
You are now saying, those were all things happening abroad, where the law and police are both in order. Let me tell you, once two men on a motorcycle banged into my car and it was a very bad bash up. I got out and opted to take the young man to the nearest chemist shop to get him treated for any wounds. The moment I stopped in front of the chemist shop in DHA I market, I saw a young man furiously running towards my car. I got very apprehensive, feeling sure that he was angry with me for hurting his brother or relative. But when he got close, he looked inside at his brother and held him by his shirt and pulled him out angrily. Meanwhile saying to me “Baji, I’m sure it was my brother’s fault, he is a rotten person. He stole my motorbike and was riding it without my permission!” It ended up with me trying to save the injured brother. Of course I got him treated, gave him some cash. Then went off to get my car done up by my own mechanic in Rawalpindi.
My son -in- law Haaris has a very good solution. He believes in hugging. That is a beautiful way to end any ‘dispute’ or difference of opinion. Of course, that is best with one’s spouse only, or as in the case of that American girl who was so relieved to find that my daughter and grandchild were well.
What a beautiful way to end it.
I bet none of you ever thought of that one. Well, to tell you the truth, neither did I.
Stay blessed lovely ones. 🙂
Note: All photographs provided by author.